Taurus April 20 - May 20
Be flexible with dinner plans this week.
This largely pertains to timing, but could also refer to content and your expectations thereon.
Leo July 23 - August 22
An after-dinner mint will solve nearly all of life's problems this week.
Except the one involving Cher.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
When you retire to the study for your after-dinner cigar and polite conversation the sudden appearance of a brick through the sitting room window will radically change the tone of your evening.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Time to get dinner on!
This week seems oddly dinner-focused, leaving the first portion of your day empty and... meaningless?
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
"Man can not live on butterflies alone."
Keep this advice close to your heart this week.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You are going to get very, very wet on Saturday.
Buy some water wings on Friday.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Be extra vigilant this week, if it means taping your eyelids open. Because we didn't say anything about being fashionable, in the eyelid department.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Gangrene sets in on Thursday.
Sorry about your leg, man.
Libra September 23 - October 22
MM... bzzt! Bzzzzzzzzt!
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
The hours between 8pm and 7am have now been designated "No Horoscope Zone" for you, which means you might as well sleep during those hours.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Three will be an important number for you this week.
And seven. And tires. Which is not, technically, a number.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your ability to persevere, despite someone chewing on your finger... well, it's not remarkable at all. It's just one of those things.
Make sure you empty the trash.
[Horoscopes. Good place to go get skewered.]