Taurus April 20 - May 20
Don't. Eat. That. Last Donut.
Saturn will be upset.
Leo July 23 - August 22
When I said not to taunt the lion, I meant it.
Make sure you wear long sleeves this week.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
A small bird will tell you secrets this week.
Unfortunately that small bird's breath will stink of worms, and you'll never remember the secrets because you were thinking too hard about how you'd break it to them that their breath is horrendous.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Spend some time contemplating the finer things in life.
Like the latest GPS/phone/handheld computer from Sony Ericsson!
NB: No substitutes, per our sponsorship agreement with Sony, umm, Ericsson.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Paint someone you love a picture.
Preferably in butter and jam, with a canvas of bread, slightly toasted.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Your long overdue dose of magic money will hit on Saturday.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
"Puff, the Magic Dragon, lived by the sea..."
That song will be running through your head all week.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Wear that hat at your own peril this week.
Libra September 23 - October 22
1/0 = ERROR.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You think smiling like that will get you through life?
Well, you're probably right, but you're going to make the miserable people... well, more miserable, I suppose.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
While you might think it a trivial operation to move the soap dish in the bathroom, I. Would. Not. Do. That.
Seriously. Let someone else do it, preferably someone you don't mind losing.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You are going to subject yourself to yet more torture at the weekend. Saturday, that is. Sunday will be lovely.