Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will have pissed off Mercury this week.
And while you may be thinking, "Well, come on, now, Mercury's just puny, it can't be that bad, can it?" well, let me tell you, that's not helping the tenor of your week.
Wear a hard hat, if you have one.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Don't look on the bright side of life this week, you've lost your sunglasses.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Your entire week is consumed with the Red Sox home opener.
You can think of nothing else, nor should you.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Bleach will get out that stain. And be quick about it.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Do those pants smell funny? I think they do. You might want to change them.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will have a lovely hamburger on Wednesday.
To match lovely you. Which is not to say you look like ground beef.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You wil have dreams of giant Munchkins, who feel unfulfilled, being uneaten and unsent to the Sane Magazine offices.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Dreams of chocolate-flavoured lickable paint is still a distant dream for you, I'm afraid. Unless you paint your living room walls with melted chocolate. But, then, you've tried that already, haven't you? Remember? 1993?
Libra September 23 - October 22
El zilcho for you, matey.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
While they say good things come to those who wait, your recent acquisition of broadband makes you less prone to heed what they say.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Dude. Your new job now is no longer so new.
It's time to stop wearing the newbie beanie with propeller they've been making you wear.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went? Maybe investing in IV-drippable coffee would be a good idea.