Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will fail to be fooled by a single April Fools' Day joke for the thirteenth year running.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Don't listen to those people who keep saying, "You can't, you can't."
Unless they're wearing an official-looking uniform. And you're attempting to tightrope walk over Niagra Falls again.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Wherever you would normally use pepper this week try and use lemon pepper.
Unless you were going to use it to simply make more of your homemade sandpaper. In which case, stick with regular black pepper.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
If you play with fire this week, expect to be burned. Because you've misplaced your fireproof gloves.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Play checkers, not chess this week.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
The phrase, "I'll sleep when I'm dead," is entirely too appealing to you this week.
Someone will have a special treat for you on Saturday.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Don't spit into the wind.
It's not that you're not prepared (lovely rain slicker, by the way, and plastic shield coming down from the hood). It's more that the contribution of yet more CO2 to the air when you're expelling the spit will be the straw the breaks the proverbial camel's back and sends global warming right into a full spin, which, oddly enough, will result in the breaking of at least one literal camel's back in the Sudan.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Choose your friends wisely this week.
The next chance to select friends will come at the end of Q2. You can always lower the number of friends you've chosen, but you cannot increase the number.
Libra September 23 - October 22
All for naught, naught for naught, even. Naught for you, especially.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You'll be bright as a button and fine by Wednesday morning. At 2am. And you'll wake to tell everyone. And to scream for food.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Eat a sardine this week.
[Horoscopes. On the birthday of a stranger, an oldie but a goodie.]