Taurus April 20 - May 20
Underestimate the Federal Reserve at your own peril.
Your insensitive jokes about them from last week will come back to bite you in the backside (literally) this week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Beware an overabundance of frogs this week.
Wear gloves, if possible.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Enjoy the dregs of March cooing like a lamb, to drive home that age-old saying about March: "In like a lion, out like a pigeon dressed up as a lamb."
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Lemons alone could sustain a person for seven weeks without any other sort of sustenance. You will find this out this week when you get locked in a lemon factory.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Dress according to your moods this week.
Friday will call for cranky pants.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Your supreme blotting skills will be needed, desperately, on Wednesday.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
A light heart and a hammer are the best tools you can use in your fight against adversity this week.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Don't lick that thing you find on Thursday.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Nothing pour vous.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Here's the deal: the hours of seven PM to 7 AM in your timezone are hereby off limits to you.
So not a peep out of you, mmkay?
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Don't mess with Texas this week.
If you can avoid it altogether it might be best. It's got a real chip on its shoulder.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
I wouldn't want to be in your shoes.
For one thing, they're probably too small, and smell funny.
[Horoscopes. Very cool looking.]