Taurus April 20 - May 20
Those potatoes aren't going to peel themselves. Get to work!
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will spend most of Tuesday and Wednesday disoriented, out-of-sorts, and in possession of the largest handkerchief known to man until, that is, you realise it's your bed sheets.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You, too, will be a bit wonky on Tuesday and Wednesday. You will, however, be grossed out by the Leo using their bed sheets as a hanky, instead of perpetrating that sort of thing.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You will, for a brief moment or two on Friday, have complete and unambiguous understanding of Finnegan's Wake.
Which is impressive, as you own a copy, but have never cracked the spine. This spurs you to write a master's thesis, detailing how this is probably the best approach to take towards that particular book.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Technical difficulties will impede your progress in your goal to farm raise salmon to provide for the world's hungry.
Namely that you live in a small apartment on the upper West Side and the landlord doesn't allow pets, which he considers salmon to be.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Someone will buy you a house on the Cape this week.
And it will be filled with caviar and non-dairy chocolate.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will rename your first born: "Twinkle toes of the Five Trees" this week.
Don't ask me, ask Saturn.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You really need to change your shirt this week. That one is starting to smell funny.
Libra September 23 - October 22
I... don't know how to tell you this. But, well, you have no horoscope.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Put on your best shoutin' voice and get out there and let the world know what you want!
Warning: World may express non-interest in what it is you want. But the shouting will feel good, anyway.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Before you answer the door on Thursday, put down the peanut butter and jelly sandwich. You won't need that where you're going to be going.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Savour this week.
Next week is going to be tough.