Taurus April 20 - May 20
A cool, cleansing rain will wash over you on Friday. Good day to dispose of those bodies. You know, if you have any bodies lying around in need of disposal.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Your view this week will be spectacular.
Keep up the good work and you may get to keep it.
If this is a metaphorical view you're going to be wildly disappointed.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Take time to sniff the roses and sample the wine this week.
If you only have time to do one, pick the wine.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
The Lord works in mysterious ways, as does Mercury, who is giving you an absolutely rotten week, even after you baked that bread for it.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your princess dress will lead to a confusing series of events in which a prince (of some former Soviet state) attempts to place a shoe on your foot.
Your reaction will begin an international incident that temporarily occupies your time.
Mostly by being in hiding.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will be lost, confused, and bewildered on Friday evening, not quite remembering what to do in situations like the one you'll encounter then.
Bring a can of mace and your wallet, and things will go fine.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Be prepared to think on your feet this week.
Not with your feet, like last week, when you had to run away from the killer bees from texas, who had finally made it up into your neighbourhood.
Aries March 21 - April 19
A small amount of time and effort on Tuesday will save you a lot of pain and suffering later in the week.
Unfortunately, you didn't put it in. Doh.
Libra September 23 - October 22
You have no worries this week, nor do you have any aspirations. You have no horoscope at all, mate.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Your smile will win someone over this week.
Unfortunately, your desired result of getting the keys to the car will still be far off. A rub on the head and a pacifier is all you'll get for your efforts.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Those plants you thought you were tending in your apartment this whole time turn out to be carefully disguised FBI agents.
You'll discover this when one of them breaks down and asks for a bite of your peanut butter and jelly sandwich on Friday.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Be careful, you don't know who you can trust this week.
For example, the guy on your doorstep cleaning the silencer and polishing his 9mm? Can't trust him.
[Horoscopes. Free reading about a geeky (somewhat) subject.]