Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your week will be predictably (as here we are, predicting it) boring.
Unless your name is Mark Marcel. Expect a package, if that's you.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Turn your back on a cornered wombat at your own peril.
By "turning your back" I also mean averting your gaze for even a second, so if you're reading this on your iPhone I apologise for the wombat now embedded, teeth first, in your leg.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
I see a big trip in your future (and no, not the kind where you fall down because someone's stuck their leg out).
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Don't take anything for granted this week.
Least of all that giant goose out in your back garden, laying golden eggs.
Or the lemur in your living room, pooping out rubies.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You've angered the gods.
I wouldn't go outside, not even to check if your lightning rod needs servicing.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Independent wealth will find you on Friday.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Mind the elephant tromping through your part of town this week.
And as much as you want to play the joke with that tiny toy mouse you have, I would strongly urge you not to.
Aries March 21 - April 19
I wish your week had a better ending for you.
But being crushed by a bear, falling off a mountain side is the way it ends for you.
Libra September 23 - October 22
I just... can't... I can't speak to you right now.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
While you've got some time on your own, think about starting up a business. Maybe knitting sweaters for pets or something.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will find yourself on a spiritual and literal journey this week...
So stop thinking of taking that peyote to help on your vision quest, because it takes you right past the State Police barracks, and that wouldn't go down well.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Some week soon you will find yourself on time and motivated. Not this one, though.
[Horoscopes. Old Sandy visits his student...]