Taurus April 20 - May 20
The first of many wild rutabagas seen gamboling about on your lawn (or stretch of pavement in front of your living quarters) start arriving this week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
With the arrival of a few rutabagas next door to you, you start getting the sinking feeling that it's going to be like 1996 all over again.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You dread a return to the halcyon days of 1996 that your Leo friends are talking about, if only to not have to re-live life without your Betty Crocker cookbook, which inexplicably spent 1996 in Aruba.
(Which was the one incident which ruined the 'halcyonic' atmosphere.)
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Your heady aspirations of having seen Whitey Bulger in Aruba in 1996 may have just been squashed and your eyesight called into question by the revelation that a Betty Crocker Cookbook spent the year down there.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Just when you thought you were out, he pulls you back in.
Whitey Bulger, at the invocation of his name for Geminis, pops round to borrow a cup of sugar.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Feel free to use that cup of sugar, it turns out Whitey is stopping by the Capricorns this week.
Also, please take down your lime green curtains as some sort of 'safe' sign for your neighbourhood sugar borrowers.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
The lime green curtain coming down just as you walk by on Thursday will set you in an odd mood.
It means that your long dormant superpowers are needed, desperately!
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will get a good chuckle, anyway, at the Pisces outside your house repeatedly leaping into the air.
Until, that is, they land on your lawn, setting off the bear trap, which, thankfully, doesn't catch them, but instead leaps into the air with great force, itself, flying, ineluctably towards...
Libra September 23 - October 22
... not you, because you have no horoscope... just passing through...
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
... your porridge, making a huge mess!
Thankfully, you're still on a liquid diet, anyway, so the porridge was just for appearances, anyway, so no harm done.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Easier said for some than others. Some splashed porridge from a self-absorbed Scorpio lands on your new coat, which promptly bursts into flames!
I would recommend throwing it onto the ground and stomping on it.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
I would probably try staying at home this week. It's just not the sort of week to be out and about.