Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your sleeve is not a tissue.
That's the best advice I can give you this week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will feel like a free man this week.
If you are not a man, well, this is your chance to walk in someone else's shoes, metaphorically.
NB. The preceding is not licence to go around stealing other people's shoes.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
One of the following things won't feature prominently in your week:
A dish rag, a politician with a heart of gold, and an irate yogi from Yemen.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
This week is a good one to chase rainbows. And if you get any gold from all that, feel free to send some to your favourite sanctioned horoscope writer.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Manna will descend from heaven for you this week.
Wear protective head and eye gear if at all possible, even manna could seriously injure a person.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will finally get a look at that bike you've been missing every time someone, in an effort to hurry you up, has said, "Come on, get on your bike!"
Also, you look cute in bicycle helmets.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will have the most prosperous and fantastic week you've ever had in your life!
It's just a shame you only heard about it on Wednesday, at the earliest.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will be consumed with giggles on Friday.
Oh. Oh no. Actually, that might be, "You will be consumed by a flesh eating disease on Friday." So hard to tell with these clouds today.
Libra September 23 - October 22
No. Soup. For. You.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
No, you may not have the keys to the car this week.
You're not even three feet tall yet.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Good luck next week... but for this week, it's part-tay time!
A lime, a donkey, and a mariachi band will figure heavily in your week.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Don't walk on the left side of the road this week.
The reason will become apparent on Thursday.
[Horoscopes. Wow. Good stuff.]