Taurus April 20 - May 20
Who can make the sun shine?
Who can make it rain?
Jimmy, from down the road. So don't piss him off.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Wait, what? What the hell month is it, anyway?
Right. Anyway. Keep your chin up and wattles down. Your birthday is coming eventually.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will have a sudden, overwhelming urge to go buy and consume a whole bunch of Pez.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Hey hey! Happy Birthday!
And watch out for the person on Friday, asking for money. If it's me, sure, go on and lend me some... but if it's not... well, just hang around, keep them going until I get there, then lend the money to me and tell them you're all out.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Once in a lifetime will you get the opportunity you will receive on Thursday.
I would recommend not taking it, as it involves day-old fish guts and a thermometer.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will hit the gym this week. You will be approached by someone selling PEDs.
You will resist, though a small part of you will always wonder if they were saying "PEZ", and regret not taking any.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
When you cross the street, make sure to look both ways, and up, as well.
Just an extra precaution for this week, and this week only.
Aries March 21 - April 19
And on the 19th? 20th time asking, you shall receive. Or at least receive the answer you desire, if not the actual result. Which is close enough.
Libra September 23 - October 22
So, so quiet in the land of Libra these days... so, so quiet... Because you don't have a horoscope.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
If you only learned how to twist your wrist just right you could probably break your dad's nose without too much trouble.
This is not a suggestion to learn that technique.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Don't do that. Just. Don't.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
This is just not going to be your week. And no, before you ask, next week is not going to be it, either.
[Horoscopes. Get your basketball on!]